♥Ache

I haven't said the things that need to be said. Not because I don't care, but because I can't. I'm not ready. Still, there's a lot swirling in my mind...a mixture of grief and fear.

"I don't do it for the glory, I just do it anyway...And I will always do my duty, no matter what the price/I've counted up the cost, I know the sacrifice/Oh, and I don't wanna die for you, but if dying's asked of me/I'll bear that cross with honor, cuz freedom don't come free..." {"American Soldier"by Toby Keith}

"So lay me down/In that open field out on the edge of town/And know my soul/Is where my momma always prayed/That it would go/And if you're reading this/I'm already home...Just remember this/I'm in a better place/Where soldiers live in peace/And angels sing 'Amazing Grace'..." {"If You're Reading This" by Tim McGraw}

"Make it count." {The Duncans}

"Earn this." {Saving Private Ryan}

"...And I don't want the world to see me/Cuz I don't think that they'd understand..." {"Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls}

"...it's so hard livin' here on my own, so please come home soon..." {Come Home Soon by SheDaisy}

"Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." {John 15:13}

"Today is your day. You're off to Great Places! You're off and away!...You'll be on your way up! You'll be seeing great sights! You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights. You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed. You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest...Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you're that kind of guy!" {"Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Suess}

"...I miss you, been far away for far too long/I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go/Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore..." {"Far Away" by Nickelback}

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, and of power, and of a sound mind." {2 Timothy 1:7}

Still a Caterpillar

"How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." ~Trina Paulus

Wow. I've been saying I want to change. I've been saying I want to be transformed into a whole new person, even. But am I willing to give up being a caterpillar?

"A young man asked Socrates the secret of success. Socrates told the young man to meet

him near the river the next morning. They met. Socrates asked the young man to walk with

him into the river. When the water got up to their neck, Socrates took the young man by

surprise and swiftly dunked him into the water.
The boy struggled to get out but Socrates was strong and kept him there until the boy

started turning blue. Socrates pulled the boy's head out of the water and the first thing the

young man did was gasp and take a deep breath of air.

Socrates asked him, "What did you want the most when you were there?" The boy replied,

"Air." Socrates said, "That is the secret of success! When you want success as badly as you

wanted the air, then you will get it! There is no other secret."

{Quoted from consciouslivingfoundation.org, but this story was told to me over and over by my Dad}

Do I want to succeed as much as I want to breathe?

The short answer is no. I long to be a butterfly in flight, but alas, for now I remain a caterpillar until I am willing to give up being a caterpillar.

{The Military Life}

"There's a fine line between love and hate. Love frees a soul and in the same breath can sometimes suffocate it."~Cecilia Ahern

Our life took a sudden, unexpected turn {from my plan} in April 2009 when we decided to join the National Guard. It's been a hard road.

While at a family dinner at a local steakhouse, the waitress began to talk to my sister and me about our husbands and military lives. Then came the zinger: "How do you like it?" I kept quiet and allowed my sister to field that question as she is much more positive than I am.

"I LOVE it! I wouldn't trade it for the world!" she answered. I admire her passion for the military.

So, how DO I like it?

I WOULD trade it for the world. For HALF the world, even.

Since my husband was sworn in, I've gone through an entire pregnancy--with complications, including an emergency cerclage and lots of extra doctor's appointments, the birth of our first child, and his first week; all without my husband. Once he began his deployment, we've celebrated birthdays and holidays, endured hospital stays, emergency room visits, the death of appliances, random home and car repairs, and hormonal imbalances; without my husband. I've had to modify my plan for our lives over and over. I've learned what sacrifice really means. My faith has been tested and as Iago {the parrot from Aladdin} said, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."

Also since my husband was sworn in, I've grown closer to our families and closer to God. I've witnessed firsthand our families and a local church group work together to make our home a better place. I get to answer people who ask where my husband is, "He's in Kuwait!" and hear their grateful reply, "Thank him for his service!" I get to learn what sacrifice means. I keep thinking about my purpose in life; maybe one purpose is to give that others might get. I get to live God's plan for our lives.

On further contemplation, maybe I wouldn't trade it for the world. I wouldn't be who I am today without going on this adventure. AND my husband wouldn't be who he is today without going on this adventure.

An adventure it surely is. I'm just along for the ride!

{Mustard Seed}

How big is YOUR faith?

Mine is not even as big as one mustard seed.

"Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, 'Why could we not cast [the demon] out [of the child]? So Jesus said to them, 'Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you..."

Sadly, my faith must be microscopic--even taking into account MUCH growth through the years!

Imagine a world where many people had faith ONLY the size of a mustard seed...

I suspect it would look a lot like heaven...

{Want It All}

I want it ALL.

YOU know. The 120-pound frame. The perfect shiny, long, curly hair {My hair is naturally straight, with a few waves, so of course curly hair is perfect}. The perpetually spotless house. The gourmet food at every meal. The doting husband. The fun-loving, obedient kid{s}.

I want to be the {PERFECT}ChristianWifeMommyHomemakerFriendSisterDaughterHousekeeperCookHostessEmployee

BookkeeperGardenerWriterReaderPlannerThinkerStudentChurch-GoerGiverTeacherTrainer

AND SO ON...

Guess what?

I. CAN'T. Period. No. EXCLAMATION POINT!

God has not even called me to be all these things. That's the world pressuring me and tempting me to do it all, have it all, be it all. So what HAS God called me to? {Glad you asked!}

I believe God has called me to be:

*A disciple of Christ.

~Disciple: "A person who is a pupil or an adherent of the doctrines of another; follower."

~"Go therefore and make disciples...teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you..." {Matthew 28:19a, 20a}

*A helpmeet to Rhea.

~"And the Lord God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.'" {Genesis 2:18}

*A trainer to Kendrick

~"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." {Proverbs 22:6}

~"Correct your son , and he will give you rest; Yes, he will give delight to your soul." {Proverbs 29:17}

*A Homemaker

~"...the older women likewise...that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed." {Titus 2:3a, 4-5}

If I stick to being who God has called me to be, He will sustain me.

And I will BE ALL I need, HAVE ALL I need, and DO ALL I need. ALL the God has called me to do, be, and have.