Have You Seen Me?
Shea Lynn Moore
Birthdate: March 26, 1987
Hair Color: Red
Eye Color: Blue-Green
Height: 5'3 1/2"
Weight: Undisclosed
Date Missing: Unsure
CONFESSION TIME
I'm ready to talk. For real.
I've been fighting a war. Battle after battle.
The War Against Depression (hereafter referred to as "WAD") started when I was in high school. At first, it was "Seasonal Affective Disorder" (Operation Seasonal Depression, "OSD") meaning I was only depressed during the winter.
Sometime around the time my husband and I got engaged/married, my depression began pervading other seasons. I don't know exactly when it started. It was slow, creeping, quiet.
Shortly after having my son, I was diagnosed with "Post-Partum Depression" (Operation Post-Partum Depression, "OPPD"). I didn't want to take any medication, so I waged war with exercise, diet, counseling, and "thinking happy thoughts." Even with summer in full swing, the depression would not retreat. I used up my entire arsenal. Finally, I had to admit it. I was losing. I needed to bring in the big guns: medication.
I first tried one medication. It brought me a comforting numbness. It ceased the angry yelling and the waterfall of tears. After a few months, that numbness became bland. What was life without flavor? But I couldn't go back to the way things had been before medication. I refused to surrender.
Finally, I tried medication #2. Within days, I began to come alive. Colors sparkled with vibrance. Patience welcomed me. Laughter bubbled over. Smiles stretched easily. Even anxiety began to retreat.
My only complaint was that this new medication brought with it an absurd amount of sleep. My husband finally introduced me to my new best friend: coffee. Together, these two drugs have awakened me. As I have adjusted to the new medication and copious amounts of caffeine rushing through my veins, I have asked over and over, "Where have I been? How long has it been since I've been truly happy like this? When was the last time I had this kind of energy?" I don't know the exact answer, but the response has been clear: I've been missing for a few years.
As the realization hit me, I cried. I didn't have to live like that. How did my husband live with this woman who had become so unlike the woman he had fallen in love with?
But, thank you, Lord, for being faithful and pulling me out of the darkness back into the light. It has been too long, but it is good to be back.
I hear you, loud and clear. I began my WAD somewhere around 10 years ago, alternately dealing and ignoring. At some point, my doctor and counselor agreed medication was right for me. The first medication I took wired me like a 2-dollar watch, like a child on a sugar / caffeine high. The second one made me so sleepy I couldn't function. The third one was the charm at the time. I was on the meds for about a year, then went off.
ReplyDeleteBack in October this year, it came again, with a vengeance. I couldn't figure out why the exercise and diet choices weren't working anymore. Again, my doc suggested meds and I resisted. However, 2 months later and fully medicated, I am a happy girl. :-)
I, too, am now in the light after spending too long in the dark. Thank you for saying this out loud, and helping reduce the stigma of depression.
Big hugs and much love to you!
I'm glad I'm not alone! Yeah, the combination of this new medication and coffee can make me wired; I've figured out 3 cups is too many and 1 is too few. 2 cups seems to be the magical number :) 'Course today I had 2 cups in the morning and 2 more this afternoon... :)
ReplyDeleteIt's not easy for me to talk about. I'd rather not, actually, lol. Not in public, anyway. But, part of this blog for me is about honesty. And as much as I may wish that it weren't so, this is part of who I am. You only get one life, one story, and this is MINE. Like it or not, lol.
I'm so glad you're in the light now too! It's NO fun being in the dark and it's hard to find the way out. But with the right support, we don't have to surrender. We will win this WAD!
Much love to you too! We need to get together the next time you're in town. Or plan a surprise trip to ID!!