Struggles and Routines

I have truly struggled this past week. We went out of town last weekend, and while I did keep up with my resolutions, that seemed to start a downslide. Day by day, I seemed to be doing less and less, sleeping more, and feeling worse. I was still taking my magic pill, so I couldn't figure out what was wrong.

Yesterday, I really just didn't feel well. My anxiety had sky-rocketed to the point that my hands were even shaky. Even though I had taken my pill the night before, I was ADD to the point that I couldn't concentrate on finding my cell phone charger, working, or making coffee. Finally, I realized one small thing: I had to allow myself to feel off.

This past week, we started receiving emails from the Guard informing us of upcoming dates for my husband. We found out he would be gone three weekends in a row, unexpectedly. Then yesterday, he got his official deployment orders. No wonder I was feeling off! (Although that wasn't all of it) As much as I may not want to admit it to myself, much less others, I am anxious. I am anxious for my husband, for my son, and for myself. I want to be able to handle this deployment in a healthy manner and not sink into depression. Because this past year has overflowed with its own trials, I have somewhat ignored the upcoming deployment. It has always been in the back of my mind and I have formed plans and strategies to not only survive, but to thrive. But, now I must accept it and face it head-on.

I was talking to my mother-in-law yesterday and she started asking me questions about my routine: when I was feeling great, was I doing something differently than I had this past week? When do I drink my coffee? Take my pills? I started to notice that she had figured out a big part of the puzzle. My routine was different over the weekend and this past week than it has been the week before. She suggested I go back to my original routine (with a few minor changes) and be purposeful about making it the same everyday. She also reminded me that not every day is going to be good. There will be bad days and that's okay. God has given me so many opportunities lately to learn this valuable lesson from FlyLady: "Progress not perfection."

So, last night in the spirit of progress, I planned out my morning routine (yet again, hehe) and this morning I executed my new plan. I got up at the previously decided-on time. I took my pill before I got out of bed. I made coffee and breakfast. My son got up earlier than I expected, so I took time out to make his breakfast and feed him, then went back to my routine. I ate my breakfast, drank my coffee, wrote in my prayer journal. I read this month's fiction book. Then it was time for my son to take his first nap. I had decided I would work during his nap. As I sat at my desk to begin typing, I realized that I felt GREAT. We thought it might take a few days to adjust (and I can't speak for any future days yet), but today has gone great. It hasn't been perfect. My house is not spotless. But. I feel good. I've read books, written in my journals, entered data for work, and I'll be going to the gym once my son wakes up.

Now that I know that it makes a difference, I need to protect the time that I take my pill, drink my coffee, and talk with God. I should not allow sleep or my computer or anything else to take away that sacred time. It's how I need to begin my day. It's a choice: do I want to have a good day, a productive day and feel great? Or do I want to feel heavy and lethargic and accomplish next to nothing? (I do still manage to take care of my child on these days, so that counts as accomplishing something ;) ) And secondly, I need to allow myself to not be perfect, to feel anxious, to feel down or "off."

Well, I hear my son, so it's off to the gym and then to enjoy the rest of my day!